Why I Hate Disneyworld

After arriving in South Beach, the kids and I immediately changed into swimsuits and hit the beach. They had never seen or swam in the ocean before and they made up for it quickly. They caught on to the rhythm of the waves and experimented with jumping over, crouching under and smashing through waves. They walked and ran on the beach. They exhausted themselves.

We showered, dressed, and went in search of dinner which ended up being a long walk around South Beach looking at stores and people and trying different food (French sandwiches, Italian gelato, sushi, Cuban bread, and fresh fruit were all consumed.) When we got back to the hotel we were exhausted. We took turns using the tiny bathroom and Anna tuned in South Park on TV. (I will note here that it is one of my favorite shows (brilliant), but not suitable for children. I really don't allow my children to watch South Park, but we did end up watching South Park that night. I was tired? We were on vacation?) It was Satan's Birthday (Halloween) and he was having an elaborate party that included a Ferrari cake. Well, he never got a Ferrari cake and he throws a temper tantrum. "I wanted a Ferrari cake!"

We went to sleep. Frank and I got up for sunrise and walked on the beach and then to the store for some breakfast. Frank insisted that his sister liked Total cereal, so I dutifully bought Total cereal. When we got back to the room the girls were still asleep. We coaxed them awake and I began passing out the little individual servings of cereal and Anna said, "Total? I don't like Total." "I'm sorry," I said. "Yech. I didn't know you were getting cereal or I would have told you what kind I wanted." All of a sudden Mary, from her pile of blankets said very clearly in a whiny voice, "I wanted a Ferrari cake!" The tension broke and we all laughed. A theme was born. It was your turn to sit in the back? You didn't get as many conch fritters as everyone else? Someone used your towel to dry off and then left it crumpled in the sand? Someone moved your piece of coral and now you couldn't find it? Someone was bound to whine, "I wanted a Ferrari cake!" It became our theme.

Disney is forced or created memory. It assumes that there is a formula for fun and they cash in on guilt and parental concern that their children have happy vacations that they will "remember forever." It's creepy to buy into the idea that you can "create memories." It's not enough to just go to Disney, you have to make it extra special with extra expensive breakfasts with Cinderella? The created international experience reminds me of the Chicago World's Fair. Which is fine, really, but it is expensive and it does not always work out the way that parents think. Children remember what they remember and we have little control over what that is. Little kids really just want to be with their parents. And while older kids need more entertainment, it is certainly available in more authentic venues. I have driven to the mountains with a teen who would not get out of the van and chose to read a book instead. I dragged that same teen to the ocean and she found herself quite taken with the fish and water. I remember overhearing a father at the Henry Doorly Zoo yelling at his son, "I spent $120 to get into the zoo and you're going to enjoy it! Now let's look at the lions!" and as a parent I felt bad for him. I wanted to laugh. I mean, I have been there even if I haven't said it quite so bluntly.

The theme of vacations is discovered and created by those on them. When money and time become compromised, parents get stressed. We want a return for our money and time, dammit! Enjoy yourself and have happy memories! I prefer themes to be organic and meaningful. We now have an inside joke that works like magic on crabbiness. It is hard not to giggle when your sibling is calling you out on your bad behavior by imitating Satan.

So, to recap, skip Disney and watch Southpark. Lea is a judgmental, superior parent who thinks Disney should be enjoyed but not be endured. If you don't want to go or can't afford to go, then find something else. It really is ok. Your kids will be ok. Let them whine about Disney.

"I wanted a Ferrari cake!"